> Shrouded in darkness;

~~Wednesday, December 31, 2008~~

2:42 PM

I am an over emotional person that will do everything when I have set up my mind that person is the one that I will dedicate my life to.

The last part to wrap out my life this year

Phoenix, I dont know where to start about a person that is my saviour, till now i dont know when I can finish my debt to him. He was there during my darkest of time, he knows secrets that none knows about me and he takes me as who I am ~ flaws and all.
But again there was the rocky start for the year when Armand came along... and having been a to grow up by an early age I almost forgot how it was to be a carefree and being with a different set of people.

Here he was this person that was my age and we clicked~ if push didnt become to shove then I would not done what I have done.

But i did...

Two years down the drain~ so many people hurt in the process... not only us three but the circle too.

I guess it was a pathetic attempt to re enter the circle but I felt that it was hard and frankly phoenix I do intent to repay just wait aye and as for when i stayed at your place... you had also a life that i dont want to break the pattern for.

So i took my leave...

and if hating me makes you feels good then its fine.

and as for Armand... there is no more words to be said? yes~ its true then.
that was my last of Belahan Jiwa, one is in my heart and one is the blood that flows through that heart.

But as both of them died~ then that was the end of it...

I promised that that would be the last of everything~ I would just meet people for the sake of meeting people.

But Harris came~

It took three days for me to think~ my heart wanted to but my logicale was telling me no.

But i took the leap...

I know you are reading this Harris,

I will wait~ and if the end of the story means that we would be like this then fine... at least you would be there with me.

I just cant afford to lose another Belahan Jiwa~

So to Harris~ here is to you... my Belahan Jiwa Yang Terakhir...

My bestfriend and my blood

Labels: update

Will you ever notice me...

~~Monday, December 29, 2008~~

1:44 PM

"If i say I love you now... it means forever
and when would i leave? that would be never"

to my belahan jiwa

Labels: snippet

Will you ever notice me...

~~Saturday, December 27, 2008~~

9:36 AM

Social Life

Wah... other than going down the drain what can i say about my social life.
I do admit that this year I have been utterfly selfish when it comes to my friends, first and foremost I have put my love life first before them... just for the record guys... I deserve this, i know.
And now I am clique hopping and also been making new cliques that eventually falls out because I fall out from them.
Other than that after June~ everything kinda slowed down...
There was the occasional people who does miss me and messaged me but because of work nowadays am just too tired down to do anything else... even with Didek i just bring him home to chill out.
Of course being broke has it effect on me also.
But the vista of people that I have met this year made me realize a whole new thing, that it takes alot of kind of people to make this world... and like it or not we have to deal with them... - or as now I am planning... make them deal with me.
Boring entry i know... better skip this one... oh wait... you read it all already.

Will you ever notice me...

9:32 AM

My Last Belahan Jiwa, This is For You~

bila asamaraku tlah tiba merenggut nafas dijiwa
itu dia..
yang datang hadirkan cinta
menyebar kedalam rasa
dapatkahku mengatakannya
perasaan yang kupunya
untuk dia..
mestinya kuungkapkan saja
tuk dapat jawaban darinya..

Reff.dapatkah aku memeluknya
menjadikan bintang disurga
memberikan warna yang bisa menjadikan indah
aku tak mampu mengatakan aku tak mampu tuk mengungkapkan
hingga sampai saat ini perasaan tlah tertinggal
dapatkah dia merasakan
satu nafas yg tersimpan
itu bukan cinta sekedar cinta biasa
yang sesaat dan trus hilangback to
reff

Labels: belahan jiwa, love, lyrics

Will you ever notice me...

~~Friday, December 26, 2008~~

9:09 AM

And The Story Goes On~

So ladies and gentlement... the wrap up for this year

Work Life

Hmm~ Summing up for overall, I have quit a high paying job with such privilege to fall on such hard times of debts with a job that pays half of what I have.

I guess its something that I hsould take to heart and learn~ whatever that we have at that moment, we should appreaciate and fuck with whatever its good money and should stick to it regardless... if the next person to you can do why couldnt you?

So I broke it of with Brunei Times in the first quarter... good bye such a good memory (no matter how hard it was but it was still good regardless) and such good friends that I have made there (again it was my bad to do all those things)

Then I joined Sheraton Utama Hotel

for three month or less,

BUt it was the bomb for my social life... Meeting with influential people, the blessed life fo enjoy life (with a big pressure tag of course)

I met with the greatest of people

then I quit again~ *yes i could hear it now... Stupid Adika*

Where I learnt my lesson the hardest way possible!

DSR (direct sales representative) for HSBC with a pay the is cut into a quarter from what I used to have... okay so what if the commision can be sky rocketing high? the people who have made it has the following

1) Established customers who gives them referal2) They have a tendecy to be rude and pushy (not the type of marketing I would like to be assocaited to)3) Too much of a killer picture
I know that sounds like reasons but have at least it shows me how desperation can bring into people, of which then I have to go out and find a new job...

Which brings me to A Fontane Company

A company that I would reckon gives a good overall of all the companies that I have been working with, everybody in the ends tries to backstab one and another, but with a high efficiently rate to do things but not to teach other lest the praise to them are lessen...

So that is part one to my blog...

the wrap for the year... FUCK OFF 2008!!! There i said it

Labels: update

Will you ever notice me...

~~Wednesday, December 24, 2008~~

10:41 AM

Dear Jerks

I know that sometimes I give up the vibe that I am very wild, I know that people that knows me heck even people that dont know me that well perceives that I am one hell of a character out of a Moulin Rouge...

Yes Lambak Geng + Sorang Dari Kg ApaKah... if you are reading this~ I am still pissed at you guys

But I have my limits and I am not a cheap thing to give my number to anyone, I dont meet chatters one on one, if I ever do I meet with my friends because I dont like meeting people all alone (you know how many weirdos are here in Brunei! alot)

Also one for the one that says that I fuck around, I hope you die and your family dies of a slow brutal DEATH!!!

This is supposed to be a different entry but yeah...

With Love,
Adika Harris

Labels: backstabber, death, hate

Will you ever notice me...

~~Saturday, December 20, 2008~~

9:00 AM

"Sorry~ please bear with me...
December is not is ending soon"

Labels: snippet

Will you ever notice me...

~~Friday, December 19, 2008~~

8:45 AM

Yesterday I was all the time low, it felt so close as my suicide days as I wander aimlessly to nowhere. Somehow I felt that utter loneliness again where there is that cold hard realization that karma has catch up with me...

In the end I just wanted to be alone yesterday- time to myself to think about certain things that came to linger in my mind.

Although at time I certain do give a strong front but I am very weak and brittle inside, just like what my friend told me "heart are never mended, once broken... it heals with scars".
This entry does not intend to attack anyone... to Syaf; its not you.

Its just me having to reassure myself again ~

- Crying Without Knowing -

Can I sit awhile and see my pain
While I am lost here in the seething rain
Oh... here is my life
Something that I have forsaken.

Behold my misery; adorns me for eternity.

"is he the one?" I heard them glee
I walk faster, I tried to flee.

Can I sit while and see my journey
While I am lost here lost for all to see
Oh... here is my lifesomething that I have lost
Behold this all; As I take the fall

Labels: death, destruction, fear, loneliness, poem, suicide, weakness

Will you ever notice me...

~~Thursday, December 18, 2008~~

2:32 PM

Tidak kau terasa beban yang aku pikul
Menyeksa jiwaku kekasih
Kenapa kau tak pernah merasakan
Dan jika kau kekasih yang menyayangi akuHarus kau mengerti hatikuItu hanya apa yang ku impikanBilakah kau akan mengerti

(Korus)Kata hati merayu aku pergi
Meninggalkan dirimu tapi ku tak terdaya
Mengapa kasih, harus ku alami?
Setelah aku korban segala-galanyaS
anggupku harungi hidup bersama dirimu
Meninggalkan semua yang aku cintai

Jika kau kekasih senangkanlah hidupku
Jangan biar aku begini
Hidupku dalam kerunsingan kasih

Jika kau kekasih yang menyayangi aku
Harus kau mengerti hatiku
Itu hanya apa yang ku impikan
Bilakah kau akan mengerti

(Korus)Kata hati merayu aku pergi
Meninggalkan dirimu tapi ku tak terdaya
Mengapa kasih, harus ku alami?
Setelah aku korban segala-galanya
Sanggupku harungi hidup bersama dirimu
Meninggalkan semua yang aku cintai
Bilakah kau akan mengerti

(Korus)Kata hati merayu aku pergi
Meninggalkan dirimu tapi ku tak terdaya
Mengapa kasih, harus ku alami?
Setelah aku korban segala-galanya
Sanggupku harungi hidup bersama dirimu
Meninggalkan semua yang aku cintai
Kasih…

Will you ever notice me...

~~Wednesday, December 17, 2008~~

9:04 AM

Had been some moments alone this few days, Didek might not realize that I have been in own little world at times~ stupid december. I could not help it because when december comes it is like everyday a summary of the year comes back to me and also the feelings that it brings.

There was happiness, sadness, guilty and above all the key word of the year is Love; being lost, found and then neglected and being the one the neglects it.

But all of us has stories to tell

The end of a partnership where communication breaksdown~

The end of a fairy tale blood line that in the ends burns in flames of ignorance

The start of a partnership where all that we can do it try~ and prove that it will be different this time. Whatever the story's ending going to be... its end with us being together.

Labels: breakdown, brother, love, reflection, relationship

Will you ever notice me...

~~Tuesday, December 16, 2008~~

9:23 AM

I am annoyed~ actually the word annoyed is not even close to describe how I feel at the moment. Maybe because of the crash of my of old circle due to me being selfish I agreed to better myself with being nicer and helpful to people... I guess being nice and helpful to people does not work with me too~

Anyways~ The story is this... I have a new line mobile phone number and it has free minutes that will go unused anyways so a offered a friend to use it to call his "chatter"...

I was thinking "at least they will save their credit" apparently on their side they are thinking... OMG Adika wants to get my "chatters" number.

Come on!

When do i care about number and meeting new people~

Have I meet chatters? aside from you guys (who now I will avoid just like the plague) and the people that you guys bring I dont go out and about to meet new people.

Even if i meet people i dont want people to have my msn let alone my number!!!

You both should have known better~ and apparently my presence is unwelcome so that this entry as me taking my leave from your circle... so for being a strain to you.

So before you point your finger to me... please~

Just realize you have lost a friend~

Labels: backstabber, breakdown, friends, update

Will you ever notice me...

~~Monday, December 15, 2008~~

9:17 AM

I know that with work laden until i cannot see the desk anymore there is no time in hell that i should update my blog, but hey this entry proves me wrong.

Anyways... Didek slept over on saturday *hurrah*

But I was so dead tired so without knowing I feel asleep and he said that he end up on the phone with Ea and also his best friend after that huhu *Sorry Didek*

After sending Didek home i went to Sis's place and played the Iban song that is now replaying forever in my head *sigh*

After that I feel asleep then tada... celebrated my friends 25th Bday huhu with tons of Barbie doll

Atew ja update ku... rasa ja wah kan update huhu

Labels: update

Will you ever notice me...

~~Saturday, December 13, 2008~~

9:04 AM

Woah~ what has been happening this week?

Well not that much~ everything is just work related and brother related~ oh i guess the world has not known that I have a blood brother now that is exceptionally... well... wicked!

Been spending time together alot and lately he has some issue with his partner and been giving him rationale thinking about that part, other than that we have been enjoying what we like most 'Karaoking' and the best part we harmonize quite easily... *lets do another round of tanpa kekasihku huhu*

Been really grateful really because every since he swung by and decided to stay in my life everything been swell. I told him already everything *well this year's* and he understands my situation.

Oh yeah... he is THE ONLY ONE~ that ever slept over... EVER!!!

I also refered him as Didek around everyone and last night Sis asked Mom "Why havent Didek slept over?"

Feeling happy now~

To Didek I know you reading this~ YOU ARE THE BEST!!!

Labels: brother

Will you ever notice me...

~~Tuesday, December 9, 2008~~

8:26 AM

Sometimes when i write a poem it will be something of an emotional outburst that goes so high that words are formed to capture and remind me of how much that situation had affected me. Was flicking through my numerous half writ journals the other day and I found this... instantly i reminded me of someone that is now have no meaning to me anymore

"Menghilang"

Kelmarin ke bermimpi tentangmu
ku cuba memanggilmu tapi nama telah ku lupa
bila kau menoleh
riak wajah mu
seakan tak ku kenal lagi

Kemarin ku terkenang tentangmu
ku cuba mengingati masa lalu tapi semua telah kabur
bila ku menoleh
ke masa silam
seakan tak ku kenal lagi

Kemarin ku mencari tentang mu
Ku cuba melawati perasaan tapi ianya makin pudar
Bila kita berjalan
Meninggalkan semua
Kerana tiada bermakna lagi

Labels: hate, inspiration, loneliness, love, poem

Will you ever notice me...

~~Thursday, December 4, 2008~~

8:43 AM

I am a stronger person when i need to be, I am known to erase all sort of emotions that comes my way and its hard to make me cry, so when I cry it does not only mean I am weak... it also means that contemplation of death is also lingering~ like last time (yes~ the image of the hard ground from the 5th floor was so inviting)

Guess now i am in the stage of certainty and unknowns...

Too many feelings are mixed about... I realized though that a door must be fully closed before another one could be opened, that is why I guess we shouldnt linger with the key but rather leave it on the doormat for someone else to open...

I hate december~

Suddenly I remember a song that is once dedicated to me

Evanescence - missing

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
Maybe someday you'll have woke up,
And, barely conscious,
you'll say to no one:"isn't something missing? "

You won't cry for my absence,
I know -You forgot me long ago
.Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

[chorus]Even though I'd be sacrificed,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
I know what you do to yourself,
Shudder deep and cry out:"isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me? "

[chorus]

And if I bleed, I'll bleed,
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
And wake without you there,
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something...

Maybe i should go missing like I always do~

Labels: boyfrriend, breakdown, brother, fear, love, lyrics, reflection, suicide, weakness

Will you ever notice me...

~~Tuesday, December 2, 2008~~

10:33 AM

To Harris...

A Perfect Heart Submitted by Debra Stitt QEagle@aol.com 15 Mar 2001

One day a young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley. A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart for it was perfect. There was not a mark or a flaw in it. Yes, they all agreed it truly was the most beautiful heart they had ever seen. The young man was very proud and boasted more loudly about his beautiful heart.

Suddenly, an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said "Why your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine." The crowd and the young man looked at the old man's heart. It was beating strongly, but full of scars, it had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in, but they didn't fit quite right and there were several jagged edges. In fact, in some places there were deep gouges where whole pieces were missing. The people stared -- how can he say his heart is more beautiful, they thought? The young man looked at the old man's heart, saw its state and laughed. "You must be joking," he said. "Compare your heart with mine, mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars and tears."

"Yes," said the old man, "yours is perfect looking but I would never trade with you. You see, every scar represents a person to whom I have given my love - I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them, and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart, but because the pieces aren't exact, I have some rough edges, which I cherish, because they remind me of the love we shared. Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away, and the other person hasn't returned a piece of his heart to me. These are the empty gouges --giving love is taking a chance. Although these gouges are painful, they stay open, reminding me of the love I have for these people too, and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting. So now do you see what true beauty is?"

The young man stood silently with tears running down his cheeks. He walked up to the old man, reached into his perfect young and beautiful heart, and ripped a piece out. He offered it to the old man with trembling hands. The old man took his offering, placed it in his heart and then took a piece from his old scarred heart and placed it in the wound in the young man's heart. It fit, but not at the edges. The young man looked at his heart, not perfect anymore but more beautiful than ever, since love from the old man's heart flowed into his. They embraced and walked away side by side.

How sad it must be to go through life with a whole heart.

Remember...

Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody is watching.

Labels: inspiration

Will you ever notice me...

~~Monday, December 1, 2008~~

8:44 AM

You know how hard is it to see you cry everytime it because of him? I felt that it is unfair that you have to shed tears and pretend that you have to be happy with him. Sometimes I wished that you could just walked away but because of you are a person that honours a promise made prior and you see it that it be done, that is why you stayed after so long.

Though he might have moved on from you, you still consider his feelings and emotions not to mention his well being~ it shows how much devoted you are to a person eventhough through the bad times.

You make sure that he'd come first~

You know how happy I feeling when I see a smile arches from you face to tell me that you are happy too? I felt that somehow you should be happy for all time and let me carry that burden for you.

You know that you manage to erase now almost fully Armand from my heart...

You know how hard for anyone to erase Armand from my heart? For months on end I was still very much in love with him,but when I met you slowly my heart realize that why should i be devoted and love the person that no longer love me anymore and wouldnt care about me at all?
So I stuck with you...

You became my friend that is always there for me~ you also became my sentinel that helps me through alot of turmoil.

I love you~

this one goes out to you...

Artist: Konig

pernahkah kau sadar dirimu itu indah
pernahkah kau dengar kata manis untukmu
seandainya engkau tau

engkau telah membuat hatiku
mencintaimu setulus yang aku bisa
berikan untuk hatimuengkau…
cahaya hatimu seindah kilau intan
engkau adalah cinta yang selalu ku damba
aku ingin engkau tau

love is blind
love is blind

i want you now..
and i want you now..

dan kau mungkin yang terindah untukku
yang kan warnai hati ini selamanya
kuingin kau hadir disisiku

Labels: love, lyrics, songs

Will you ever notice me...